Depression and Its Friends: Anxiety, Fear and Finding a Way Forward
Updated: Sep 12
Emotional Wellbeing
Depression rarely travels alone.
Anxiety may come along for the ride.
Fear might take the passenger seat.
And somewhere in the background, a critical voice may be providing a running commentary on everything you believe you’re doing wrong.
As more people speak openly about mental health, we’re becoming better at recognising how common experiences of depression, anxiety and emotional distress can be.
But knowing something is common doesn’t necessarily make it easier to say:
“I’m not doing very well.”
You may worry that other people will think you’re weak.
You may look at your life and think you should be able to cope.
Or perhaps you’re asking yourself the particularly unhelpful question:
“Why can’t I just get a grip?”
If that sounds familiar, perhaps the better question isn’t why you’re struggling.
Perhaps it’s:
What might you need right now?
Is It Depression — Or Am I Just Having a Difficult Time?
Life can hit hard.
Bereavement.
Divorce.
Redundancy.
Bullying.
Illness.
Relationship difficulties.
Major changes we didn’t ask for.
And sometimes, there isn’t one dramatic event at all. You simply notice that life has gradually become heavier.
So when do “the blues” become something that deserves more attention?
There isn’t one experience of depression.
People can experience persistent sadness, emptiness, hopelessness, irritability, loss of interest or pleasure, low energy, difficulty concentrating, changes in sleep or appetite, or a sense that everyday life has become much harder to navigate.
And sometimes depression doesn’t look the way we expect.
You may still go to work.
Still answer messages.
Still make people laugh.
Still appear perfectly capable from the outside.
And still know that something isn’t right.
If those feelings persist, become difficult to manage or begin interfering with everyday life, speaking with an appropriate healthcare or mental health professional can be an important next step.
Depression Has Friends
Anxiety and fear can be remarkably good company for depression.
Not good company, obviously.
More like the guests who arrive uninvited, eat everything in the fridge and show no indication that they’re planning to leave.
You may find yourself worrying about the future while simultaneously feeling unable to do anything about it.
Your mind races.
Your motivation disappears.
You become frightened of making the wrong decision, while feeling increasingly frustrated with yourself for making no decision at all.
And then the critical voice arrives:
“See? You can’t cope.”
That’s quite a team.
One of the useful things about therapy can be learning to notice these patterns rather than automatically accepting everything they tell you as fact.
The Critical Voice Isn’t Always a Reliable Narrator
When we’re struggling emotionally, thoughts can become very convincing.
I’m not good enough.
Nothing is going to change.
Everyone else is coping better than I am.
I should be further ahead by now.
A thought can feel true without necessarily being the whole truth.
Therapeutic work can create enough distance to begin asking:
Where did this belief come from?
What tends to trigger it?
What happens when I believe it?
And perhaps most importantly:
Is there another way of seeing this?
The aim isn’t to replace every difficult thought with relentless positivity.
Sometimes things genuinely are difficult.
It’s about developing greater choice in how you respond to the thoughts that keep you stuck.
Sometimes We Find Ways to Numb What We Feel
When something hurts, human beings are remarkably inventive at finding ways not to feel it.
Food.
Alcohol.
Smoking.
Drugs.
Shopping.
Work.
Scrolling.
Staying permanently busy.
Even looking after everyone else can become an effective way of avoiding ourselves.
These behaviours don’t necessarily mean someone has depression, and not everyone who experiences depression responds in the same way.
But it can be useful to become curious about the things we reach for when we don’t want to be alone with how we’re feeling.
Not with judgement.
With curiosity.
What is this helping me avoid, soothe or survive?
Sometimes that question tells us considerably more than criticism ever could.
The Cold Comfort of Staying Where We Know
This is one of the stranger things about emotional patterns:
Something doesn’t have to feel good to feel familiar.
And familiar can feel strangely safe.
I sometimes think about the cold comfort of depression — not because depression is comfortable, but because a familiar way of seeing ourselves and the world can become difficult to leave behind.
Change contains uncertainty.
Even positive change.
If you’ve spent years expecting disappointment, trusting hope can feel surprisingly risky.
If your internal voice has criticised you for decades, kindness towards yourself may initially feel ridiculous.
If you’ve learned to survive by expecting the worst, being asked to imagine something better can feel almost irresponsible.
So sometimes we don’t need to attack depression.
Sometimes we need to become curious about the relationship we’ve developed with it.
What does it tell you?
What does it protect you from?
When does it become louder?
And what might life ask of you if it became quieter?
You Don’t Have to Wrestle the Bull on Day One
Years ago, I compared depression counselling to mental fitness training.
I still rather like that image.
If your inner critic has been training for the championship your entire life, turning up one Tuesday afternoon and telling it to shut up probably isn’t going to end the contest.
You build muscle.
Slowly.
You learn to recognise patterns.
You practise different responses.
You discover what strengthens you.
You learn when to rest.
And eventually you may realise that you’re no longer entering every round completely unprepared.
Otherwise, it’s rather like a city slicker deciding they’re going to ride a rodeo bull.
Some preparation might be useful.
Healing doesn’t need to be a fight.
But building emotional strength, self-awareness and new ways of responding takes practice.
And it takes the time it takes.
What Might Support You?
There is no single route through depression, and the right support depends on the individual and what they’re experiencing.
Depending on your circumstances, support may involve a combination of professional healthcare, psychological therapy, medication prescribed and monitored by an appropriate medical professional, social support and changes that help you care for your physical and emotional wellbeing.
Within therapeutic work, we might explore things such as:
Recognising recurring thought patterns.
Becoming aware of emotional triggers.
Developing more compassionate ways of responding to yourself.
Understanding experiences or beliefs that continue to affect the present.
Reconnecting with activities, relationships or parts of life that matter to you.
Building practical ways of caring for yourself when things feel difficult.
If you’re taking prescribed medication, any decisions about starting, stopping or changing it should be made with the qualified professional responsible for your medical care.
Therapy doesn’t need to compete with appropriate medical support.
Sometimes different forms of support work alongside one another.
Start With How You Actually Feel
There can be an enormous difference between:
How I think I should feel.
and
How I actually feel.
That space matters.
Because if you’re constantly measuring yourself against what you should be able to handle, it becomes very difficult to hear what you actually need.
You don’t have to justify being tired.
You don’t have to win an argument proving that your circumstances are difficult enough.
And you don’t need to compare your pain with somebody else’s before you’re allowed to take it seriously.
Sometimes the beginning is simply telling yourself the truth:
“This is how I feel right now.”
Not forever.
Not as your identity.
Just right now.
And from there, we can begin to ask what might
A Thought From Denise
You don’t have to fight your way through every chapter of your life.
Sometimes the way forward begins with less judgement, more curiosity and enough gentleness to hear what you’ve been trying to tell yourself.
If This Resonated With You…
If you’ve been feeling low, anxious, fearful or simply unlike yourself, you don’t need to arrive with a diagnosis or know exactly what you want to say.
And you don’t need to decide immediately whether therapy is right for you.
We can simply start with a conversation.
A free Discovery Call gives us an opportunity to meet, talk about what has brought you here, answer your questions and explore whether working together feels right for you.
There’s no pressure and no obligation.
Just a safe place to begin.
Comments